I'm stealing this blog title from this blogerwho i stalk on a regular basis. If you don't read her, you should. She talks about motherhood, marriage, photography, kids, yummy recipes, and just LIFE. i love it. Every once in a while she does a blog called "stream of consciousness...", where she writes down all she is thinking- there's no order, no objective, just what's on her mind at that moment. So i thought I'd give it a try.
Right now I have a sleeping toddler tucked away in (hopefully) pleasant dreams, and sitting in front of a fire with a cuddly dog at my feet, and I'm so relaxed. We are LOVING our new house. It's everything we ever wanted, tho I wish we had 2 full baths, but other than that, it's awesome. We have room to live. Harmony has room to run. Kemper has new places to hide from the torment Harmony brings upon him. Mike is loving the fireplace, and I'm loving the fact that I don't have to take Kemper out anymore-all i have to do is put him in our completely fenced in backyard. yessss. I'm looking forward to painting our family room and dining room- we're going bold and bohemian. it's going to be awesome. I'll be sure to post before and after pics.
I'm having better days with Harmony this week. Last week I was singing a much different, much darker tune. It was a rough week. I vented quite a bit to my family, and probably said things I didn't mean, but I couldn't help it. I felt totally defeated and like a complete failure. No part of my parenting "skills" were working, and I just gave up. My poor husband saw some ugly moments in my attitude, and poor Harmony had no idea how to handle me. There were actually times she looked scared of me. Ugh. It's a week I hope to forget very soon. no one warned me on the difficulty of raising a two year old. It's tough. really really tough. I actually have a really hard time talking to people about my shortcomings as a mom because I feel judgment. I feel like people leave my conversations thinking or even saying out loud to me "i'm so glad my child isn't like Harmony,", or "my daughter/son will never do that", or my personal favorite "maybe you'll get it right with your next baby". Really people? And I'm sorry if you are reading this, and you are actually one who has said this to me. i don't mean to offend, really I don't, but it's so hard to hear. Yes, I have made some mistakes as a mom, I will own that, but I didn't teach Harmony to be strong-willed. That's how she was born. It's who she is. Just ask Mike's mom. Harmony is Mike Jr. to the hilt. She inherited her father's disposition, and I can't do anything about that. But in all honesty, Mike and I say all the time that we wouldn't want Harmony any other way. She will grow up being a very decided woman, who will lead, not follow. Who won't settle for anything but the best, and she will do awesome things for The Kingdom- we just KNOW it. We pray it into her life every single day.
With all that said, I (well, WE) are doing much better this week. Thank goodness.
I'm gearing up for the very busy time that March will bring me. My first wedding of 2010, showering Becca ( a couple times) with lots of fun things for Norah, family portraits, baby pictures... kind of want to upgrade some of my gear before it all happens... maybe I'll use some tax return money... hmmmm. I've had my eye on the Canon 7D for a couple months. We'll see if the hubby gives me the OK.
Holy Crap, Norah is going to be here before I know it. I kind of feel like she's going to be another daughter to me, and not just a niece. I wonder if that is how Becca feels about Harmony. And speaking of Becca, she officially has pregnancy brain. Today in class she was reviewing the week with the kids, and she went completely blank. It was awesome. Really, I got a huge kick out of it because she was always bragging that she didn't have it. One word. Karma.
My husband is next to me, snaking on Harmony's cheese-it's. He'll probably finish the whole box. I'm going to make him explain to Harmony where they went when she asks for them tomorrow. She's gunna be TICKED!
It's making me hungry... what to eat....
6 comments:
I love you and think you are an incredible mom. You are doing a great job with Harmony.
Can't wait to see the family room transformation.
Loved this post. I am kind of a fan of the stream of consciousness thing anyway, but I love your honesty.
You know, I sort of wish that every time someone commented on something your child does wrong or doesn't do or whatever, that "karma" would bring them a child who does just that same thing, so they GET IT. :) Honestly. You always feel like you would handle something differently, or that your kid would NEVER do that, and then if you ever find yourself in that position, you understand. Kids are SO different. Even Ben and Matt are different. And like I wrote on Amy's blog, if I'd had Matt first, I would never have understood what all the fuss was about with breastfeeding. He is easy peasy. But - I had Ben first, and no one understood ME. Ha ha.
One of the greatest blessings in parenting is that kids are super, super resilient. You change it up, they adapt. So if you screwed up somehow (which I doubt that you did too horribly!!), she'll forget about it, for one, and for two - you get to try something different next time.
I so wish our kids could all get together and we could let them run around like crazy. :)
Love your honesty, Rach. I think being a person who has worked with children, it's easy to point out parents' faults and said I would never do that/say that/choose that. But I'm sure you never completely know until you have your own children. And all children are so different! What works with one, does not always work with another...you didn't get to choose Harmony's personality, that was God's very purposeful choice. Your job is to seek after Him on how to be a mother to her...on the good days and the bad. And you're doing an incredible job. :o)
I KNOW any parent will have to admit that we ALL make mistakes hon! Oh so many places I wish we'd handled things differently - but as one of your friends has said already, kids are resiliant - and cover them in prayer, trusting the Lord to 'work all things for His good'!! You are right - that stubborness and self-sufficiency will make Harmony one special woman! Love you all. Mom
I gotta jump in, and admit I've stalked your blog from time to time via Heather's. Um, two year olds? That's why they come out all cute & cuddly, otherwise we would send them back.
When I see your daughter at church or at Pearce, I think how sweet she looks and seems (I get brief glimpses) and my child is always the one crying when I drop him off, at the very least. and home? I think I have lost running for Mother of the Year from now until December 2035. sigh. Feel free to skim my blogs on it. I gave up and went with honesty, sometimes I plain suck at being a mom, especially when you add in another infant.
I think there's a constant redefining of parenting as the child grows, and what worked last week might not work today, but might again next month, etc. Somedays, as long as they're fed and somewhat clean, it's a successful day =)
And it's humbled me a lot because there are times I have to just get on the floor and say I'm sorry for the yelling or whatever that happened. And if nothing else, I open the door and we scream outside to get it out, it helps and makes us laugh. Sorry to ramble, but I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job! Everything is a phase and we'll power through it!
~Krysten
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